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If I could send all of you a bouquet and a Thank You note for putting up with all my worrying and crying about the “Santa's Team” rescue, I would. I really appreciate all the support you all give me. I am completely undeserving and humbled. I'm just a regular “schmoe” just trying to make a difference in a few cats lives. You make me feel like a shiny star.

Along the way, I had no idea I'd find there are so many caring and compassionate people out there who are generous and willing to share their heart and affection with me. I am so honored.

I made the call last night at 5:25pm and spoke with the adopter. I was so nervous, that I ended up just reading off my typed up script. I got to the point of asking to return the cats and I heard the adopter telling his wife “she wants the cats back.” After that point, there wasn't much more to add. I offered to return their adoption fee and to waive any future fees if they wanted to adopt more healthy cats, since it is not our policy to adopt out sick cats in the first place. The adopter said he would call me back.

So I waited.

I didn't let the phone out of my sight. I even did things, thinking it would make the phone ring. Back “in the day” we used to light up a ciggy at a restaurant to make the waiter appear with our food. Nothing helped. The phone didn't ring. I checked my email over and over. Nothing but emails from friends concerned about what was going on.

I tried to second guess what would happen. I tried to be positive that I would get the cats back, though the more time passed, the more I felt it was unlikely that I would get the result I was hoping for.

I went to bed. Little Blitzen sleeps between us now, right next to my pillow. His purr is so loud it fills the room. Spencer and Nicky were at the foot of the bed. While there wasn't much room for us, it was comforting to be surrounded by them. I passed another restless night, wondering if the phone was ever going to ring.

This morning, just about 10:00 am, I got an email. It was a long, clearly written statement, point by point going over the reason why the family was not willing to return the kittens to The Animal Center at this time. It was obvious from what was said that even though I did not say ANYTHING even close to suggesting that the family was neglecting or harming the kittens, that indeed, that's how they heard what I said. As I read their points, it was clear that they are determined to provide an excellent home for the cats. Perhaps my asking for the cats back, caused them to take notice that they DO need more than they are being provided?

Instead of getting into an email war, I called the adopter. If yesterday was tough, today was worse. I told him right off the bat that my request was in no way directed to them, as a family, and that if nothing else, I wanted him to understand that this is about my making a mistake, not what they are doing (unless they let them outdoors!). After that I could tell that any stress or animosity between us was gone. I told him that while I respected his decision that I would still like to request that he make a few small changes. He was willing to listen, so I asked him to move the cat bowls away from the cat litter, to make sure Donner goes to the Vet to be checked out and that if it wasn't being too pushy, that I had some toys for the cats that I wanted to drop off.

He thanked me for the suggestions and welcomed me to stop by and drop off the toys. He said he wanted to keep an open line of communication and I offered to be of any help at any time he needs it.

Considering how badly this could have gone, starting up some sort of legal trouble or very bad blood, it was a small success. I didn't get the kittens back, but I do feel a bit better that they are going to get better care. I will also know that they'll have a lot more toys and a cardboard scratching pad and I have to be okay with that. I'll drop those things off later today.

I shed more tears after I got off the phone, but it's done now. I did as much as I could. I made my points clear with them and I heard their concerns and got assurances that they would be taking great care of the cats. I also got permission from my Director to do home visits, as I deem necessary. I believe this will help me a lot moving forward. It just won't do much to stop me from looking back on this with regret and some embarrassment or shame over my own stupidity.

Donner and Me. Taken before she was adopted (©2010 photo by Ryan Feminella).

In the end, I can't say there was a clear winner or loser or if that even matters. It's all about the cats-always. If this family is determined to provide a good home for the kittens, that's all I can ask. Maybe having their reassurance is enough? Okay, that and moving the litter pan away from the food bowls!

I feel like my head is going to explode. The stress from worrying about making “the phone call” to try to get Donner & Dancer back has really gotten to me.

Last night I had a shot of brandy, which didn't do a thing to help calm my nerves and I'm not much of a drinker-fyi. I had another fitful night sleep, complete with nightmares. Once again I was living in a dumpy apartment and I had to get into the elevator to get out of the building. A few weeks ago I had another dream about an elevator where it would change shape and become very small in size, so small that my claustrophobia really kicked into gear-setting me into a panic. Or I'd have to fit into a tiny space if I wanted to get from one place to another. It was Alice in Wonderland, from Hell.

I did make the call and spoke to the adopter. He was on a conference call and I asked when I could call him back and he told me “after 5pm.” So, I gotta wait. I've tried to do some work, but working on a Powerpoint presentation is not my idea of soothing my nerves. I spoke to Sam, I spoke to some of you guys, I wrote down what I was going to say, like a script, so I would stay on track.

I spoke with Dr. Larry and he told me that ringworm was far more serious than I thought it was and that he would support me if the adopters call him about it, BUT...as my Director told me and Dr. Larry told me, to prepare for them getting really angry with me and to not let me have the kittens back. I completely understand that and I feel terrible about this, but my goal is that this is in the best interest of the kittens. It's not about anyone being a bad person. I made a mistake. I'm trying to correct it. If I can't, then I can't. If I can, I am gonna RUN over there and get the cats.

Thank you to everyone for all your support and kind words. It's interesting to me that if I had not posted anything about this, I might have found a way to be quietly ashamed of myself and not called these people up and had this difficult conversation. You guys keep me honest. You know I need to do this and you're paying attention, even sending me emails asking me if I called yet! Is that a good thing? I think so.

Maybe I'll go on a diet next. I could use some help in that area, too.

I spoke with my Director and she supports me moving forward however I see fit. The problem for me is that I have to do this and of course I do. I can't ask others to do something difficult for me or on my behalf. I made this poor choice and I have one last shot at finding a way to convince these adopters to give Donner and Dancer back to me so I can re-home them.

©2010 Ryan C. Feminella

This photo was taken on Friday. It's the only photo I have of Donner's face. She looks so sad. I hate seeing her wear a collar. In another photo I can see her food bowls right next to her litter pan!!!!! Not good.

My only hope is that I can find the right words to say that do not insult this family, but help them understand that I made a mistake placing the cats with them and that in the cats best interest, they should be returned to me.

The one tiny thing that could help is that I noticed, it looks like Donner has ringworm on her head!!! Though these folks were not bothered by ringworm cropping up, this does give me a reason to contact them and hopefully reinforce that these cats NEED better care and Donner must get to the Vet, if nothing else.

There's little else I can do. Legally, I can't force them to do anything. I won't lie to them. I have to just appeal to them and hope they will find a way to forgive me for causing them any distress and to understand that people make mistakes and maybe they will let me take the cats back? It's a long shot, but it's my last hope.

I will risk getting called all sorts of names, humiliate myself, whatever I have to do. Maybe it will work? I hope I find the perfect words to say to convince them. If I can't, I have to find a way to live with this.

I don't know how I will.

I've been avoiding writing about visiting Donner and Dancer last Friday. Part of the reason is I feel that I didn't say the right things when I was there and I didn't just scoop those kittens up and run off, once I saw them. I've also been going back and forth over this entire situation, waaaay too many times. For some reason, distilling all these thoughts into bite sized pieces seems impossible, but I owe it to you to let you know what happened.

Ryan and I went to visit the kittens. It was a lovely sunny day and coincidently, the kittens live down the street from Ryan's house, so it took only a minute to get there after I picked him up. The new “mom and dad” met us in the driveway at the gate to their back yard. It was odd not to go in the front door of their small single story home, but we followed their lead.

The yard was quite large with only a few trees. They had to be cleared to make room for the impressive stonework that surrounded a nice sized in-ground pool. I was told they did most of the work themselves and that they were planning on adding Brazilian-something wood benches to finish off the area and provide seating. They also had built a huge stone surrounded outdoor fireplace. There were some young fruit trees planted and a small outbuilding/shed. They spoke of their plans to put in a flower garden and showed me their fenced in yard and talked about how it saved so much money to do it with just the two of them and the kids as laborers. I was impressed with their efforts and ambition to turn their yard into a family oasis, though I couldn't quite figure out why they were showing me this, until we got indoors.

We walked up a few very worn wooden steps into a room that appeared to have been added on to the back of the house. Perhaps it had been a screen porch converted for all-season use? There were a few desks with 6 or so flat screen monitors and computers. The Mr. Adopter said that was his office. He does IT work for a big company. The room was cluttered and very run down looking. There were a few fish tanks, one was in the sun. Not sure that was a great idea. Then he pointed out a big iron stove and said they heated the house with wood. As I looked around I realized there was a huge fan near the stove, then another fan in the next room over, which would direct the heat towards the back of the house. Sorry, but it was creepy and I thought the folks in the back of the house had to be cold. He made a comment about being glad they were able to keep the heat off. Yeah I would not want to have to stoke a wood stove. I have one. It's a pain in the butt.

We were ushered into the house. Everything was very tidy, but run down. The carpet was worn and with few windows, it was rather dark. Mrs. Adopter cheerfully said to be quiet that the kids were sleeping-she meant the kittens, who she now calls kids. It could be endearing, but I think she was doing it for my benefit. I can't be sure.

Before we got to their room, we passed a section of the hallway that was covered with plywood. What are these people up to? It was floor to ceiling-basically covering over a doorway. The last room to the left was were the kittens mostly stay. I saw Dooner and Dancer sitting on a well made bed in a tidy, but run down room.

Donner looked like all the life had drained out of her eyes. She was not abused, but she was no longer lively. I petted her and she let me, but she didn't purr or react as she normally would have. She was wearing a collar with a bell, but Dancer was not. I asked about it and Mr. Adopted said something about looking into GPS collars but that they were too heavy. Why it did not dawn on me to drill him about GPS when he promised to keep the cats indoors is beyond me. It nags at me that I didn't say something.

Dancer was still shy as ever, but was willing to play. They have ONE toy in their room. The food bowl had that awful crap in the bowl, it looked uneaten. There were no scratching pads, cat beds or any toys to stimulate the kittens. No wonder they were brain dead! BUT it didn't HIT me until AFTER I left that that was what was wrong!!! I am such a jerk!

Ryan took a few photos which I'll add as soon as I get them. Then we excused ourselves. I asked them if they had any questions or if they needed anything and to always feel free to contact me. We walked into the living room. There was one sunny bay window full of plants. Mrs. Adopter said her friend told her to make some room for the cats so they can sit in the sun and look out the window-which I agreed with and she is going to do. As we spoke, Donner walked up to the tiny spot of sunshine on the carpet and sat and looked at me. I wanted to die. Here she was, in this tiny puddle of sun in this otherwise dark, dreary house, with no toys and a collar around her neck, but it was not so bad that it would be considered cruel, yet it was not so good that it helped me feel like I could let go of this situation.

After we left, Ryan and I spoke at length about it. It took me another day of running it over in my head to think of a few reasons why it might not be so bad and how I can make it better...

1. I used to have adopters pre-approved and that was good enough for me. For all I know most of the adopters I've gotten cats to are just like this family. It's partially because I have become so involved in screening adopters that I became aware that some are not as great as they appear on paper.

2. I know I am overly protective of Santa's Team, but that's my right after all we went through and that's why I'm beating myself up about it. I should have done better for them.

3. The cats are in no immediate danger, even though I'm sure they are going to go outdoors one day. The street they live on is very quiet, but the wildlife will be their problem. The yard is fenced in for a dog. The cats will run right through it, but I can't do anything about this. What is done is done.

4. Ryan agreed that they showed us the back yard so we could see that they are in the process of making their home nicer. The plywood is over the bathroom. Apparently, they are renovating that, as well. We thought we needed to think of the home as a work in progress and that the situation may improve for the cats in time.

5. I still owe these folks a tiny bit of paperwork, so I went to the Pet Shop and bought a bunch of toys, catnip, a scratcher and am going to drop it off for them. I'm just going to say I got it as a donation and not make a big deal about it. I will leave it at the door and not bother these folks any longer. At least I will know the cats have some toys, okay, and a few extra cans of cat food I have laying around, too. It's not much, but it's all I can think to do.

I will always look back on this adoption with regret and will hope to learn from this lesson. They are nice people. I'm not looking down on them as though I'm better than they are because I have a furnace and central heat. It's not about how fancy the house is, it's about how the cats looked. If they were feeding crappy food, but the cats were bouncing around, thriving, happy, I would be FINE with that...but they weren't. They were okay. Not great. Not terrible. Just okay. And for the next 10 or 15 years of their life, knowing they are just OKAY...that just doesn't cut it for me.

It's been waaaay too nice outside for the past few days. We've been seeing temps well into the 60's with sparkling blue skies. I'm taking the day off and am headed to hike with my nephew and to see the effect all the recent rains have had on our local waterfall in Kent, CT.

In honor of Spring, here is a photo of some daffodils from my own yard, taken last year. It's still too early in the year for them to bloom, but I'm anxious to get spring started!

And on a cat-note, I am going to visit Donner & Dancer. Hopefully my anxiety of their placement will fade once I see how they're doing-even if they are being fed crappy grained food. Okay, I know it's not about the food, it's about the loving care, right? But that includes the food, if you ask me. All right...off I go. More in a bit...

Instead of adding another comment to the growing comments under some of my recent posts about my fears concerning the adoption of Donner & Dancer; I thought I'd address them here.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your concerns, suggestions and stories about how you came to have cats and how you care for them. In some instances, you may have been a “novice” cat parent, in others, you've done rescue for years and “been there and felt those tears” yourself. I've considered what each of you has to say and it does make a difference in how I'm processing this situation.

As a Buddhist, I am familiar with the importance of compassion, which was partially why I was so conflicted about this particular adoption. I wanted to give these people a chance-even though they had no Vet reference, which for two kittens who'd spent the majority of their life sick, was no easy feat. They'd had cats over ten years ago, so at least they'd had them. They have two young boys and two older girls. That felt like a lot of folks for Dancer, who is shy. I didn't want to overly stress her out. My own cat, Gracie has chronic dermatitis, which we believe is due to stress. It is my compassion for my foster cats, which comes first, that makes me want to protect them and provide the best home for them I can. Add to that, I must open myself up to adopting to families I'm not positive about, because like many of you said, if the family provides love over all else, then is that was is most important to the well being of a cat?

That sparks an interesting debate, one I hope you will take part of-What IS the most important thing, we as cat lovers, provide to our cats? Is it a clean, stable home environment? Is it a warm place to sleep? Is it species appropriate food and a desire to keep the cat healthy for the duration of its' life? What is the balance, if there must be at least love and....what?

There's no easy answer. Perhaps the kittens ARE getting lots of play time and love OR as their own stepmother said to me as they were walking out the door, ”You know how kids are...two days from now they'll forget about the cats.” That does not sit well with me. Nor does this “gut” feeling that can't be teased apart into perfectly identifiable chunks- the clear list as to why this adoption bothers me like few others have. I fear the cats are living in poor conditions and I know they are being feed very lousy food. In my minds' eye, I see them as adults. They are obese. One is so fearful they joke about never seeing it. They don't have a sparkle in their eyes. Maybe they just sit around and wait for the bowl of kibble to be filled up again. That's why I'm upset.

After all those kittens suffered, I've placed them somewhere where their future may be even worse than their past. For that, I will never forgive myself. I need to make some changes in how I approach adoptions and I hope to be able to get permission to do a home visit prior to the adoption-if I feel it's necessary. Most groups around here do them. It's not a big deal to ask someone if you can just make sure the environment is safe and appropriate. It would also help when we adopt to families with dogs or other cats.

Will I go visit Dancer and Donner to see how they're doing? I'm not sure I can, though the family has invited me to see them when I'm in the area. They live 2 miles from here, near my where my nephew lives. I'm torn. If I go, see the cats, see they are living in what I fear, then I will really be upset and unless they are clearly in an abusive situation, I can do nothing to get them back.

So, do I go or do I just go on with my life and hope the cats will be all right?

The deadline is MARCH 19, so enter NOW!

Contestants can enter three ways:

1. Through the “Sweepstakes” tab on the BlogPaws Facebook Fan Page

2. Through the following link that can be retweeted on Twitter for extra chances to win

3. Or simply by visiting the Sweepstakes Web page

Good Luck! I hope to see you all in glamorous Columbus, Ohio in April!

...I toss and turn. I'm still in the throes of doing my blasted taxes. I'm in a foul mood. I don't see the sense in wasting days of my life, adding up countless receipts because when it's all said and done, I probably won't owe any taxes and I won't deserve a refund. So why bother?

Last night I did a home visit for DRNA. They posted a message about needing help here in Newtown, so I offered. Along with my home visit, I had to fill out a very comprehensive form, detailing my visit. It made me realize how little we ask of our own adopters. We certainly don't do a home visit and we only ask that they don't declaw the cat and have their other animals up to date on vaccines and wellness exams. That's about it.

After the home visit, which went fine, we stopped at the grocery store to buy cat litter. Who should I run into but the dad and two sons of the family I adopted Donner & Dancer to. In the guy's hands was a stack of canned food-the cheapest, most awful crap you can imagine. It was 20 cans for $7; full of grain and mystery meat products. I almost screamed.

I did my best to be friendly about it and he said he didn't know how to tell it had grain or not and I reminded him that he can't buy grain free in a grocery store-which also pisses me off. Why can't you get good cat food at the grocer? At least you can't get it around here. There wasn't anything I could do. I said I'd send him info and he bought the crap food.

Once home, I sent him a long email with links to cat food resources and a discount code. I could not sleep. I kept thinking about how awful this was and that they said Dancer was still very scared-probably because there are two rambunctious boys in the house. I imagine her cowering in fear and growing into a messed up adult. I want to think the best of these people, but I really f-cked up. I should not have adopted to them, but the deed is done. I can't go get the cats when I don't have a great reason to do so. Now I fear the cats will become fat and unhealthy and I wonder if they will even keep up with Vet visits? Will they even keep them indoor only, as promised?

I'm sick about this. I know it could be worse. Even two of my best friends, who adopted from me two years ago, feed crappy cat food and the cats are chubby but they are loved so very much. They seem to be content in their home and maybe that is enough?

Hi Everyone!

I'd rather be updating you on all the foster kittens, but right now I'm (one big mouthful here)...filing papers and adding up columns of numbers and otherwise cranky and irritated because I have to do so much work to get my taxes prepped, just so I can take them to my CPA-where she will tell me I don't make enough money, followed by the annual "you should get a full-time job with benefits" speech. Then she will charge me at least $400.00 to use a computer program to figure out what I owe, which should be nearly nothing since you can't tax someone for NOT making any money.

Did I mention I HATE doing taxes?!!

So, looks like all but ONE cat from Santa's team has found their forever home. Blitzen remains here, with us, because he has a few more weeks of ringworm treatment before he is cleared to leave. It's very quiet in the house and poor Blitz is rather sad. I let him out of his room to run the top floor of the house, but he figured out how to get downstairs and we constantly see him investigating the bigger space. My other cats range from completely non-plused to completely pissed. Blitz really shouldn't be around any of the cats, but the ringworm is here. Not much we can do about that, so he can have a brief visit downstairs, but I do keep him clear of Bob, since Bob has FIV+ and I don't want him to get the ringworm, too.

I hope to have REAL updates and photos for you very very soon.

Back to Tax-Hell! Arrrgh!