Bob's Battle with Lymphoma: The Best Thing

The pain of the past four days have made it impossible to talk about it, let alone write anything down. Bob has been sliding along this slippery slope for a very long time-almost 10 months. Over the past week, he's grown more and more reluctant to eat on his own. I syringe feed him a few times a day, but I know it's a sign the cancer is spreading.

On Tuesday I called Bob's oncologist. They said to bring him in. I was having a dental procedure done, so Sam offered to drive Bob to Wappinger Falls, NY., to the Vet's office. Before he left, I wrote down notes about how Bob had been doing, what happened after the last chemo (he did fine) and what we were concerned about going forward. I warned Sam not to do a bunch of tests. We are both broke from Bob's Vet care and coming up with almost $700.00 a month has been really brutal. I knew they'd have to, at least, do some blood work, but beyond that I was worried about doing too much to Bob.

I went to the dentist, feeling sick with worry about my sweet cat. The dental technician who works with my dentist, started to tell me how she had to put her 19 year old cat down a few weeks ago. I really didn't want to think about that. I just felt worse, like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't catch my breath. Even though my Dentist was just putting on a Crown, it was very painful, but in some ways the pain made me forget about Bob for a few moments.

Sam called and said he was coming home and leaving Bob behind. They wanted to keep him overnight, possibly a few days. They were running all sorts of tests, x-ray and ultrasound. It was going to “cost.” Oh great...just great.

I love Bob so very much, but we're in a very bad place financially. Sam said we just have to do this..and he was right.

A few hours after Sam got home, Dr. Joe called. The news was bad. It appeared that the cancer has returned to Bob's liver-what's left of it. That there may be cancer in his pancreas. That some of the mesenteric lymph nodes are large (indicating the lymphoma is worse) and that Bob now had DIABETES on top of everything else-no doubt induced by all the steroids Bob was being given as part of his chemotherapy protocol. His blood sugar was 500. Normal is 80-100. He had sugar in his urine which can bring on a bladder infection and cause a lot of pain if not treated.

I guess it basically came down to that there are so many issues and because the liver cancer isn't treatable, that means we just stop the chemo and that really, it's time to let Bob go.

I told him I wanted Bob to come home and that we would take care of him. I asked about insulin, just to keep Bob comfortable and get his blood sugar down. They said no..that they would have to do a glucose curve and did I want to do that and knowing my bill was $1600.00, I said, no..that we would just get him home and keep him comfortable. They put him on an IV and said we could bring him home that night, but to give it a few hours so Bob would have some benefit from the IV.

I talked to Sam and we decided to make an appointment to have Bob euthanized on Friday. That way we could love him up and let him have a great last few days. No more medications, just syringe feeding and whatever else he wanted. Dr. Larry was available to come to our home, so we knew that would be the best for Bob.

We left the house at 8pm and made the hour long drive to New York. It was stormy and foggy an the first time we'd been to the Clinic in the dark. I began to realize that this was the last time we'd be there. That all the things we were going to do to pass the time while Bob had his chemo, we were never going to do. That Bob was simply done with chemo...it would have been his 13th and now, no more. That this was perhaps, the last time Bob would have to be in the car. The heaviness of the situation began to crush my heart. I just wanted to get there and get Bob home.

We spoke with Elisa, one of the Techs who has cared for Bob. She actually cried about him and said what a good boy he was, how sorry she was and how hard it is to see animals lose their battle and have to be put down. She was very sweet and compassionate. It was a nice break from how clinically cool Dr. Joe has been. She brought Bob out to us and he looked good. His eyes were bright and he was rubbing his head on the door of the cat carrier. I slid a few of my fingers between the openings and rubbed his cheek. He rubbed at me and purred loudly. He seems happy to seem me. I could tell the IV had really perked him back up, but I knew it wouldn't last.

Sam drove us home while I sat in the back seat with Bob. He ate a few treats, then came out of the cat carrier and stood on my lap, looking outside at the traffic passing by. He went back into the cat carrier and sat. I put my hand under his chin and he rested his head on me as he so often did on the long trips home. In that moment, my heart started to shatter. This might be the last time Bob does this to me.

There is much more to say. Much more to consider and share with you. The choice to put Bob down was not made lightly, nor had it anything to do with money. It just has to do with Bob, how his life is day to day. It's a heartbreaking challenge to be there with him and see him waste away. Part of me wants it to be over so I can stop suffering over knowing I am losing him, but a bigger part of me knows it's NOT about ME. It's about giving Bob the most dignity, compassion and love for however long he has with us. There is NO right answer here. Putting him down today or waiting? Is he suffering now or did I deny him more days or weeks that he deserves to have? Once that choice is made, it cannot be undone. How do you choose?

How do you live while you watch your dearest friend, slowly dying?

For now, all I can say is it's Friday and in three and a half hours, Bob was supposed to be euthanized. It's a lovely day and Bob is sleeping on his cushy lounge chair on the deck. I syringe fed him and gave him some insulin. Yes, insulin. (more on that in the next post). He ate some cat grass and had a big drink of water.

I won't know until some day, after Bob dies, what would have been the best thing for him. For today, the best thing is to let him enjoy this glorious day. The appointment for being euthanized has been cancelled. If today is to be his last, it will be on HIS terms, not at the end of a needle. If it is in another week, so be it. I realize it's a crap shoot, but four people who have seen Bob all said the same thing...

...It's not time. Not yet. The best thing is to just let him live his life and hold off on making any further decisions.