The Ache of Not Knowing What to Do

Since my cat, Bob was diagnosed with having a 5cm mass on his right liver lobe, I've been feeling very confused about what to do next. I keep asking myself, “what is best for Bob?” What would HE want? What is humane to DO to him? Is it worth carving him open to give him more time? If so, how much time? A month? A year?

©2006 Robin A.F. Olson. 2006. Just after Bob came to live with me.

Bob means the world to me. He's the Ambassador-the head “greeter” when I walk in the door. He's the boss. He slaps around the underlings. He's an old orange Tom with crystal green eyes. His purr has a musical, squeaky, quirky quality to it and he's quick to get that motor running. He loves everyone he meets and everyone loves him.

I don't know how old Bob is. My Mother, the intrepid photographer who documented every second of our lives, had photos of him that went back to 1999. I know he was an adult when he first showed up as a stray, at my Mother's back door. She always left out food for any hungry cat.

Bob, we guess, is around 14 or 15.

Bob has FIV+. I just re-verified it using a Western Blot test. There is no way I'd mess with wondering if Bob's previous snap test was a false positive when his health is in such jeopardy.

That said. Bob eats ravenously, though he is losing weight. We've checked his thyroid and that is working fine. Bob still grooms himself and continues to have good litter box manners. He even plays with little Blitzen from time to time.

According to the ultrasound, most of Bob's internal organs are operating normally and within limits. I see some very big words that I tried to look up...they basically say “cancer”...maybe. It reads: “There is a nodular cluster in the area of the mesenteric lymph nodes which represents mesenteric lymphadenopathy.” So, does Bob have cancer that has metastasized or is it just an infection brewing or is it from the liver problems?

©2009 Robin A.F. Olson. 2006. Bob, last year.

Thing is, I'm a GRAPHIC DESIGNER. I'm a WRITER! I'm NOT a Vet! I'm a loving mom to lots of cats. I just want to know what to do and no one seems to be able to tell me. They say I have to decide. My options suck.

I met with Dr. Ann Hermans, a homeopathic Vet. Dr. H has been helping me try to cure Gracie's mysterious rash. She's had it over for 2 years. Nothing has really helped, but Dr. H has given me some treatments for her that have soothed her anxiety a GREAT deal and, in turn, helped to calm her skin down and she no longer “barbers” her fur, nor does she vomit those clumps of fur every few days. This is meaningful. Does it translate into they type of care that could support or even help Bob be stronger-a better candidate for surgery? Some people say it's tomfoolery, but I trust Dr. H. She has a degree from Cornell. She knows her nutrition in ways I wish ALL Vets did. I brought Bob up to see her a few days ago and I left feeling hopeful. That with some adjustments to Bob's treatments and nutrition, I would fortify him so he would be more ready for what may come next. Would we cure his liver mass this way. No. But there is a respect for how the body heals itself without beating it up by pushing drugs into it that cause bad side effects.

I wanted to leave it at that. Take a few weeks. See how Bob does. See if we can put some weight back on him. But last night, I started to worry. I found out that this mass could rupture and Bob would die in a few hours. It could also start to cause fluid to fill up his abdomen. It's also HUGE and we need to remember it's NOT going to get any smaller.

Perhaps the time to act is NOW while Bob is still BOB. Before he starts to slip into a weakened state where I have no options to help him other than give him a peaceful farewell.

BUT...with the liver, you have to do a “wedge” biopsy. This is SURGERY. You can't get a good liver sample using a guided ultrasound needle biopsy. The cat has to be carved open and they get a chunk out. DO they take the entire mass out at that time? Maybe. I don't know. Do they look inside and see what ELSE is going on? Look for more signs of cancer? Yes. Will they potentially see that Bob cannot be saved or helped..that it is too far gone and too severe..that it would be CRUEL to wake him up out of sedation and better to let him die on the table?

©2010 Robin A.F. Olson. Last week. Bob enjoying catnip pillow.

I can put my foot down about some things. I can tell them that under no circumstances are they to let that cat die on the table, but it's serious, expensive surgery and the recovery has to be considered, as well...and the fact that Christmas is coming and that means Vets and their staff may be tougher to come by during the recovery process. Is it better to wait until after the Holidays or get to it NOW while Bob is at the best place in his health, he can be?

I know so many of you have faced a situation like this. There is no clear cut answer. There is no knowing if what is done will help your cat in any way. There is no way to know if it will significantly shorten the life of your cat, too.

There is just no knowing...and that is a heartache no one should have to bear.