Letting Go. Lesson One.

Being a foster mom to kittens is one of the most joyful things I've ever done. Yes, there's much work involved and some times it's very difficult and even heartbreaking. Yet, there are moments of bliss, sweetness and great love.

As someone who suffers from depression, I can say it helps keeps the blues away and reminds me that whatever bothers me or makes me feel badly is insignificant. It helps me forget about “me” and reminds me what is truly important-saving this fragile life in my hands. Seeing this creature through a journey, not only of survival, but one of thriving, of learning to love interacting with humans, know the joy of playing, instead of being fearful, so one day this animal will be ready for the next part of his or her path.

©2010 Betsy Merchant. Hello, Polly.

It's time to reflect on a very special girl-Polly Picklepuss. Polly was born in a cage in a shelter and at just three weeks of age, my group, Kitten Associates, rescued her and her family. Some of you already know Polly's story, but for the ones that don't-Polly got very sick after she left the shelter. What happened next will scar her for the rest of her life.

©2010 Betsy Merhcant. Polly, with Cara and Chester (background).

Polly and her family were hit with a terrible Herpes virus infection, which we might usually call an Upper Respiratory Infection. Most cats carry Herpes, but don't get sick from it. Kittens with a fragile immune system can't fight it off and being a virus, it's very difficult to treat. Many vets will treat with antibiotics to kill off any secondary infection, but it doesn't treat the virus. Sadly, no matter what we did, Polly kept getting sick. We even consulted and treated her homeopathically, but by then she'd had too many medications in her system. Looking back I would have handled it differently, but in the heat of the moment, between many trips to the vet and with Polly being so very sick, we threw everything we could at this illness-which at the time we did not even know what it was, and hoped she would survive.

©2010 Maria S. Polly just days before everything went to Hell.

At the worst of it, when we thought we were going to lose Polly, I made her a promise-that I would adopt her if she promised not to die. I would have done anything for her and her family and over the months I was tested over and over again.

It took months before Polly began to recover and sadly, as she got better, her sister, Cara began to show signs of being seriously ill. Cara's journey is still not over. She required much more care than any of us imagined. She is stable now, but her future is uncertain.

©2010 Maria S. And so it begins...

Polly has blossomed in the past seven months, from a tiny infant to a lovely young lady. Her medical issues are resolved, but due to her early illness she will always have runny eyes and bouts of sneezing. She eats well, her coat is like silk and she is one of the most affectionate cats I've ever worked with. Polly has been ready to leave me for over a month. I have been torn about the promise I made to her versus knowing it would not be wise for me to add another cat to my family of eight cats.

Polly gets along great with everyone. She's rarely in her room anymore and is well enough so that she can mingle with all the cats and have the run of the house. It's tough to sleep some nights because she likes to get nutty around 1am and by 2am she likes to sleep on Sam's chest or curled up by my head, on my pillow. She follows us around like a shadow and will stop suddenly and throw herself on the floor, innocently wanting a belly rub, but not realizing she's going to cause one of us to trip and break our head open. She can't help loving people as she does and I wouldn't have it any other way.

©2011 Robin A.F. Olson. Her eyes will water and she'll breathe loudly for the rest of her life, but Polly did not lose her vision as a result of a terrible herpes infection.

The problem is, I've spent too much time with Polly. I've never had foster cats here for almost eight months. Polly is part of the family, but now a new family is interested in adopting her. They're a very nice couple who have no other pets. Their cat died not long ago and they miss having a cat to love. I checked out their Vet reference and went to their home. I tried to find a reason that this wasn't a good match and I could not.

That's when it hits me hard-it's time. This day has been coming since the day I called to make arrangements to have Polly and her family rescued. I knew it when I made the call and I knew I would have to find a way to let her go when the time came. The day is almost here, but I don't want to let her go.

This is going to hurt-even thinking about it makes me cry, but Polly deserves to be spoiled and to have a lot more attention than she would ever get here. She should have a home she won't have to share with many other cats. She'll have a buddy with her and I would have to insist on that. Polly is too social to be an only cat.

©2011 Robin A.F. Olson. This is what I was meant to be-a human cat bed. (Me, Polly and Cara).

I've worked very hard for Polly and her family and letting go of them is not easy. I'd like to say I can tell all of you how to foster cats and not be sad when they leave, not have second thoughts, not hope the adoption doesn't go through, but I can't do that. Fostering cats is filled with so much joy that it's tough to let that go. You have to have faith that you're doing the right thing for that cat. That they can be happy and thrive in another home. That your home isn't the only place in the world where they will be all right. That another family can give them just as much love, if not more.

I think you have to allow yourself to feel dreadful and not be afraid of FEELING that sting in your heart. If you don't suffer this, then those cats die. It's as simple as that. If you don't foster cats because you don't want to feel hurt, they don't make it out of the shelter alive. For me, tears and heartache over them leaving me is an easy price to pay compared to my tears over them never having a chance to even HAVE a life to live.

I guess my lesson is this: Be brave. Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Remember why you're doing this. Remember that although you will be sad and cry, it will pass. Keep saving more lives. Keep crying. One day you'll look back and realize you've saved hundreds of lives and had just as many tears, but you did it. You did it and you CAN DO IT AGAIN.

Tomorrow is the big day. If the adoption goes through, Polly will be on her way. The pain of saying goodbye will be multiplied because it's likely she will not be the only one to leave here tomorrow. One of the other fosters will be joining her.

Deep breath.