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Digging Out. Part 1 of 2.

Thu, 2013-01-24 08:36 — Robin Olson

Digging out from the mental detritus of the past month has been tougher than I imagined. Last week, to be honest, I was suicidal. Not only was I at an all time low, feeling depressed and upset about the shooting, but the annoying run on “truthers” with their garbage being spread around the net really got to me. Adding to that sour mix was relentless anxiety about my seemingly never-ending financial failings—am I going to lose my home? How am I going to get through this year?

I couldn't focus on anything for more than a minute and I didn't want to work. I couldn't get up the energy to write. I wanted to sleep or watch movies to numb my pain between long crying jags.

Snow Shadows 2011 R.Olson B1.jpg
©2011 Robin A.F. Olson. Snow shadows.

This is not written to be dramatic or to get sympathy, it’s to share an experience, to dissect these feelings hoping to make sense of them, and possibly to help someone else if they’re feeling the same way.

Last week I gave up. For years I’ve struggled to get Kitten Associates off the ground and to find a way to do that AND write my precious blog AND somehow make a living. I’m very good at two out of the three, but where I fail is in making a living. I beat myself up about what I “should” do, which stops me from doing everything else. I try to give myself space to just do what I feel is best for me even if that means eating a lot of spaghetti and losing sleep over not being able to pay every bill on time. In my heart I feel close to being able to make a change for the better. I still have hopes of reaching my goal of better providing for myself through writing.

The post I wrote about the “truthers” pushed me into a very bad place and I also believe that the shooting affected me more deeply than I first thought.

Snow Bowl 2011 R.Olson .jpg
©2011 Robin A.F. Olson.

I will forever be from Sandy Hook where “that terrible tragedy took place.” I still see signs posted up in our town and neighboring towns wishing us love and support, but seeing them makes me cry. I can’t even afford to leave, whether it be for a weekend or for the rest of my life. I recognize there is little joy and only more sadness ahead, more creditors getting angry, more worries about how to keep things going without my home collapsing on my head from disrepair.

Perhaps I need to give up completely? I did little last week. I stayed away from my computer; did the least amount possible on Facebook. I stayed in the foster room with the kittens and either slept or watched terrible movies on Netflix. Sam stopped talking to me and I stopped talking to him. We both have problems, both at the same time. I need support from him that I don’t get and I’m guessing he felt the same way about not getting support from me.

Goody 2006 R.Olson .jpg
©2006 Robin A.F. Olson. The last trip to Bulls Bridge with my Mother.

I missed my parents so badly that it made me sink deeper. If only I had one person I could go to, one person who really knew me, who could hold me for a while; tell me it’s going to be okay. One person who would make me a cup of tea, just as my mother often did, and who would let me talk about my worries and who would find a way to soothe my soul.

But I’m a big girl now and my parents are dead and other than Sam there’s no one close by I have that connection with and certainly no family any more. This is not a pity party. I’m just trying to sort things out as I always do.

In the worst moments I thought about what if I wasn’t here any more. Would it matter? I suppose only to me. I’d like to think I left a worthwhile legacy, but mostly I feel like a loser. I ask myself why I didn’t do the things I dreamed of-like to go Italy or get any of my book projects finally finished. Then I realize all this struggling and feeling bad doesn’t get me anywhere closer to any of those things. It leaves me feeling inert.

Baby Robin copy.jpg
©1964 Judith Feminella. A somber moment or was depression already part of who I was?

I must find a way to survive my own damaging thoughts.

The only thing that helped me begin turn this around was on Saturday when a mom and her daughters came to visit the kittens. I didn’t want to see them and, in fact, I thought about canceling the visit. I couldn’t imagine how I would be friendly and smile when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry some more.

But I had to do this-at least my drive to be a “good girl” was still intact. I made a commitment. I needed to keep it.

It took most of the visit, but by the time the family was leaving I had the first smile on my face I’d had in a long time.

Not long after that I spoke with Gene Rosen on the phone. Considering this man has had threats, someone hacked into his phone, changed his outgoing message and re-directed all his calls; Gene was defiant. In fact he sounded quite chipper. He wasn’t going to let those jerks get him down. He changed his number. The police are keeping an eye on him and are ready to make sure he stays safe.

Gene Rosen.jpg

A group set up a special page for Gene on Facebook called Gene Rosen is a Hero and We Support Him. Some are calling him “America’s Grandpa!”

Gene told me that people wanted to do something to honor him further so he suggested that if they raised money it should be directed to Kitten Associates and that he would love it if “the goodness of the American public was bestowed on us [Kitten Associates]” so I created The Gene Rosen Fund in his honor.

I can learn a lot from Gene. He can take lemons and make lemonade. He remembers all the hugs he gets, the pats on the back and he knows he has the support of the world and won’t let a small group of pestiferous twits ruin his day.

Caitlins Kittens copy.jpg

Shortly after I finished speaking with Gene, a woman named Annette called me from Pennsylvania…“I have 13 kittens. Can you help?”

to be continued…

---------------------------

Suicide is a VERY serious matter. I've lost three family members to suicide. If you're struggling or want to help someone who is seriously depressed, here are a few links to help you speak with the right people who can help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 (there are options for deaf and hard of hearing by visiting their web site.)

SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

Befrienders Worldwide-USA Listings and Global Website

CICH Content Categories: 
Behavior Problems
You Rock!
Rest in Peace
Shooting in Sandy Hook

Comments

Thu, 2013-01-24 08:56 — Catnonymouse (not verified)

from one depressed cat-lover to another :( x

Thu, 2013-01-24 10:39 — Connie & The Crew (not verified)

It is a very fine line between being a friend and being there for someone, and being obnoxious and stepping over the line and trampling a friendship.  I can't tell you how many times I wanted to contact you over the past few days and see how you were doing.. to see if you followed through with the grief councling.  I am glad you contacted Gene, and I am so glad that kitten visit helped you. but I do hope you follow through on the professional help that has been offered.  There is no shame in getting another point of view to the shadows that are with you.

Thu, 2013-01-24 10:44 — Cats of Wildcat... (not verified)

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.  I would imagine you are not alone and others in your town and area feel the same after such  terrbile sadness.  I am sure there are support groups set up for this.   Please do look into that.  In the meantime, hang out, chat and talk to Gene - he sounds like just what you need - someone who can take all this and keep his inner peace.  Ther will always be things happening in our world that upset us but if we strive to maintain our inner peace, that peace will hold steady no matter what happens.  Wishing you peace.

Thu, 2013-01-24 10:52 — Gayle Wright (not verified)

I very much appreciate your sharing on the subject of depression. 

I can understand the impact the shooting at the school must have had on the whole town as well as each individual.  A difficult time for all concerned, and particularly with anyone going through a life challenge of their own (health, relationship, financial, etc.).

I, too, have experienced episodes of depression, I have always managed to get out of bed, but the chore of getting dressed until noon is difficult.  I know that doesn't sound very desperate, but to me that is a barometer of my emotions and feelings.

Here in Ontario, Canada, the winter season does a real number on us, shortened daylight, snow and blowing snow (horizontal snow is when the wind is so strong that the snow does not fall, it travels from side to side in your vision; particularly exciting when you are driving).  This makes the Vitamin D component of the sunshine non-existent, and research is now showing that Vitamin D deficiency is a large factor for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is one of the first symptoms of depression.  It also seems that Vitamin D deficiency is one of the causes of virus infections, as well as flu outbreaks.  No one contracts the flu in the summer months when we have access to sunshine, even if only through a window. Depression is more prevalent and intense during the dark months of the year.  

I have been doing something the past few years that has helped me handle my depressed thoughts and feelings.  Just a thought for you ...

I have 4 windows (in particular) in my home that give me an outside view of dark, or white snow, or drifting snow; all of which are depressing and intimidating to me, as they represent a closing in of my world.  At 76 years of age, after knee surgery in 1993 to repair a torn ligament, I have impaired mobility climbing over snow and navigating icy streets.   I have used sprigs of decorations that would trim a present or adorn a table setting (with bright colours of red, green, gold or silver) and fastened them to ornament racks that I have mounted on 2 windows for display of 'pretties'.  That way, my vision, focus and attention is captured by bright colours in the room at the window, before I see the white landscape outside.  It's not genius, but it does seem to work for me. My husband doesn't 'see' the concept, but that's only his opinion and none of my business.

I have adopted 2 rescue cats in the past year, and that gives me incentive to get out of bed in this weather.  You must have the same motivation with the kittens you mentioned in your blog. I feel very sorry for some people who are going through these feelings of intimidation or helplessness and have no outlet or purpose in their lives like you and I do. =^:^=

I am also fortunate to have a home-based business venture for the past 18 years in nutritional consultation for natural products to improve the health and well-being of myself, family and clients.  Because of this, I am able to prevent, or at least handle the symptoms of depression that I feel rising to the surface at times.  I am married to a man who thinks it is unmanly to talk about feelings and emotions, and doesn't understand how this attitude alone can trigger negative vibrations in our environment.  If I permit it.

I have made many contacts on facebook, and have provided information to allow them to make choices to make changes in their diet or lifestyle and use Unicity products with natural ingredients that have been beneficial in restoring or regaining good health. When I started on this journey, I was on Prozac for several months because of my reactions to a weather-related automobile accident, I was the driver.  I understand and relate to the zombie-like feelings of disconnect, and I won't ever go back there again.  I fight with weapons of nutritional supplementation to support and build my body so that doesn't happen.  So far, so good. :-)

I apologize that I have gone on and on, but this has been therapeutic for me as well, because it has allowed me to remember how much progress I have made.  If you would like to discuss any of your life situations at any time, I am available.  "A problem shared is a problem halved".  You have my email address from this comment.
My facebook address is Gayle I. Wright, The Wright Place Herb Shop.

I ask for God's blessings for you and your family. =^:^=


 

Thu, 2013-01-24 11:05 — Ardie Jenkins (not verified)

Oh, Robin.  You are so NOT alone.  Even without the horrible tragedy you've just experienced many have been feeling the exact same way. These are words I wrote to a friend last night: "We have both been too down to seek solace in one another. We eat and sleep--even the 50 degree day today didn't entice us to get out of the house."    

That was in response to another friend who said, " I just can't seem to get motivated about anything. Too cold, too dark too early, too bored, too lonely. I even have friends to call and can't seem to get motivated to do so. Lost in a funk and can't even fight my way out of it."

In part it is winter.  And some of us are empaths who carry the 'vibes' in the air on our shoulders.  Our country is grieving on so many levels.  It is impossible NOT to be affected by it.  Hang in there and know you are loved and admired by so many.  My words to myself are twofold:  "This, too, shall pass."  and : "Spring IS coming."  I pass these on to you. <3 

Thu, 2013-01-24 12:02 — Catnonymouse (not verified)

Dear Robin,

I share your name, your love for cats, and financial difficulties. Of course the tragedy in Newtown was so off the map in its heinousness and depravity. Often the gravity of such situations and the lunacy of some of the responses (the "truthers") affects us more than we realize. As much as we want to change the minds of such people, we can't. All we can do is not pay the slightest bit of attention to them. Such idiocy is not worthy of thought. In years past, people of their ilk would have been marginalized with their letters to newspapers deemed not worthy for publication because they are so far from reality, but sadly, the Internet weights their voices as equivalent to the most thoughtful and poignant mainly because their reaction is sensational. As far as our psyches are concerned, this tragedy pushed the envelope of the unthinkable. Maybe psychiatrists might say that the so-called "truthers" are having their own issues with the acceptance of such a tragedy and come out with off-the-wall ideas because they can't fathom it themselves. Sadly, the Internet gives them a false sense of legitimacy. Fox News doesn't help. Don't torture yourself by even paying attention to them. Please ignore them. You're not alone: all rational people feel as you do about the "truthers."

Anyway, regarding depression, my therapist told me that one's brain can be altered re-training thoughts and habits in a positive direction, kind of like the power of positive thinking. By this, I don't mean that one should say that everything is rosy when it isn't, but instead, focus a response not on how bad things are but on a forward-thinking way to respond to something. Exercise also combats depression.

Thank you for all your work with the cats. I understand. I rescue and rehabilitate feral cats. (I live with 12. I call my house the "group home.") So I'm sending you a cup of virtual tea. Take a break and enjoy it. Tea is good.

Robin

Thu, 2013-01-24 12:37 — Catnonymouse (not verified)

Robin,


It breaks my heart to hear you talking through the lens of depression, because that's what  this truly is.  It makes one feel hopeless, and helpless like no one would care if they just quit.  I have been there myself and it is related to stress, which you have had a lot of recently.  Just remind yourself that the dark thoughts are generated from a place that is nowhere near the truth. 


Many people who follow your Facebook page and blog care about you and appreciate the wonderful work you do for cats.  I certainly do....


You are needed in this world, and what you do is important.  Now is the time to take care of yourself, and try to ease out of this. 


Please don't quit.  I've found in my own life, when you are about to hit rock bottom that is close to the time things start turning around positively again.  I know that things will turn around for you also.  If you look back to little miracles that happened last year, you will be reminded that they do happen and will happen again.


Here is a link ~


http://www.depressionhurts.ca/en/


and a prayer that has helped me.  I know we are of different faiths, but the prayer is very powerful and could be used by anyone who is not an atheist I think.



Too many of us suffer from anxiety and depression, and once you get this thing under control, you’ll find that many other things naturally start to fall in place. The spirit of depression destroys lives. It brings on physical illness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, bitterness, anger, strife, addictions, and the list goes on and on… You name it, depression brings it, and God wants His daughters to have a relationship with HIM, and experience supernatural healing, the kind only HE can give.

I’ve posted a prayer that I prayed as I sat at my computer. This is the manner in which I pray for all things. I’m aware that there are many who would like to pray, but don’t know how, and don’t know the words to speak, so The Spirit of The Lord led me to post a prayer that you can pray with me for yourselves,  and our loved ones suffering from the spirit of depression and everything that comes with it.

It looks long, but only takes less than 10 minutes to say. I tried to keep it as brief as possible, but there’s a lot that needs to be addressed when it comes to this unclean spirit. If, like me, you have been plagued by depression for a long time, and for some to the point of suicide, as I was 11 years ago, I urge you to take some time each day to begin to heal and loosen the hold this demon has over you. As we pray with you, and you pray for yourself and your  sisters, I promise you that THE LORD will begin to move in your life.

You may not have anyone to pray for you. I’m here, as are so many other prayer warriors on this forum. We want to see you set free from this spirit of heaviness, anxiety, and depression.

Through all your trials, please, know that GOD sees all things, and knows all things, and HE loves YOU!

Don’t sit alone in the dark thinking about how bad things are and crying over the past and what can’t be changed. If you’re going through a difficult and terrible time, turn off the radio and put on some Gospel music. Puffy and Mariah Carey and the rest should not be ministering to you at this time. They cannot help you. They can only depress you more. You need the Spirit of God to heal and strengthen you.

Get some tapes by Bishop T.D. Jakes for uplifting word.

Gather some Gospel cd’s and let them play in the background. Some of you need something to uplift you. Throw on some John P. Kee or Fred Hammond and clap your hands!

Did you know that the spirit of depression CANNOT dwell in a heart and mind that is praising the LORD in song and in dance? Try it! You have nothing to lose except your depression!

Let these songs chase away the spirit of depression in your atmosphere. Even when you’re out, let them play in the background on low volume. Loose the Spirit of the LORD in your atmosphere. Change will take place!

For those of you who want something contemporary to play, I HIGHLY recommend Fred Hammond’s cd entitled “Somethin’ Bout Love.” He outdid himself on that one. Just put it on and let it play. Play it in your room, in your cars to and from work, and in your house.

Finally,: Every single day I ask God to bless you for what you’re doing,  I thank-you for praying with me, and may God work mighty miracles in your lives for your sacrifice and selflessness where your sisters are concerned.

Be Blessed, in God's name,

Pebbles


Prayer Against Depression and Anxiety.

LORD, GOD, we thank-you for the opportunity to come together as a corporate body to pray for ourselves, our sisters, our families, our friends, and our children, who are suffering from anxiety and depression.

LORD, we recognize that we’ve sinned against YOU and YOU alone, and have done things that are not pleasing in YOUR sight, and allows us to come humbly to YOUR THRONE OF GRACE with our prayer requests. Let the words and prayers of our mouths line up with the desires of YOUR HEART, FATHER, for in all things, we pray that YOUR WILL be done.

LORD, in your name, we take authority and dominion over the spirits of depression, anxiety, and suicide. We curse them to their very roots! We declare the works of the enemy null and void over the lives of our  sisters, our families, our children, our friends, and ourselves! We bind the works of the enemy who seeks to destroy us and our loved ones through depression, and we loose healing over ourselves, our  sisters, our children, family members, and our friends, in the name of God.

FATHER, we lift up our sisters who are being plagued by the spirit of suicide. LORD, GOD, shut the mouth of the enemy that tells us we would be better off dead, that our families and friends would be better off with us not around because we cause too much trouble, that we’re not important, that we have no purpose, that no-one could ever love us, that no-one would miss us if we were gone, that YOU would never forgive us because of past sins. The devil is a LIAR! Silence him, FATHER. Send YOUR angels to minister to our sisters. Let them hear YOUR voice. Comfort and heal them, LORD, in your holy name. Let them walk in victory and in deliverance, as only YOUR SPIRIT can give.

FATHER, we curse the spirit of low self-esteem and inadequacy. LORD, teach us, as your word says in Psalms 139:14, that we are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made; MARVELOUS are YOUR WORKS, Oh GOD, and that our souls know it well! LORD, whatever negative words somebody spoke over us or to us that caused some of us to suffer with low self-esteem, we declare the power in those words DEAD, in your holy name! Whether it was a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, sibling, boyfriend, or whoever said that thing, it is now powerless to control us any longer.

LORD, we ask you to heal us all of past hurts, all manner of abuse, be they psychological, physical, or sexual in nature, addictions of all kinds, and any actions of the past that brought us down. Help us not to live in the past, but to look forward with joy in our hearts, and with expectancy for YOUR GRACE, MERCY, and BLESSINGS in our lives.

LORD, GOD, we ask that you would free us from the spirits of ANGER, BITTERNESS, JEALOUSY, UNFORGIVENESS, VINDICTIVENESS, WITCHCRAFT, ENVY, REBELLION, and just plain old MEANESS. None of these things bring you Honor or Glory, nor do they do anything to uplift us and bring us happiness. They only cause us to be unhappy, to wallow in self-pity, to live and walk in darkness and in unfulfilled lives.

FATHER, some of us have things and situations in our lives that act as an open door and brings the demon of depression in to run amuck all over our lives. LORD, show us what it is, point it out to us, shine a spotlight on it, sharpen our spiritual vision, give your daughters clarity, and strengthen us to remove those things that are causing anxiety and depression to come into our lives.
-If it’s something we’re doing, make us uncomfortable any time we go to do it, speak to us and convict us, so that we may be delivered. FATHER, free us, in the your holy name!
-Move us out of these unhealthy, ungodly relationships! Move those people away from us. Give us the strength to turn our backs to these things, once and for all!
-FATHER, if it’s a generational curse, we ask that you remove it from us, in your MIGHTY name ! What manner of curse can stand before YOU and not be broken at the sound of YOUR name?

We rebuke the enemy who seeks to keep us bound and captive through sin, in God's Holy name!  FATHER, we speak to these mountains and order them to be moved, by the power and might in the name of God!

LORD, those who have been crying non-stop and don’t even understand why, dry their eyes, and send your spirit of comfort to console and heal them. Let our sisters and loved ones not be troubled over anything, but let them cast their cares at YOUR FEET, knowing that YOU have everything under control.

FATHER, those who haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in ages because of worry, in your holy name, cause them to lay their heads on their pillows tonight and lose consciousness. Don’t let them wake up in the middle of the night, crying. Knock them out, LORD! Give them a peaceful, restful sleep that will rejuvenate their minds and bodies.

FATHER, give us the strength to WAIT ON YOU! LORD, help us to come to an understanding that we CAN’T do it for ourselves! We’ve tried, but failed. Teach us patience, LORD!

FATHER, YOU uphold all who fall and YOU raise those who are bowed down. YOU give freedom to the prisoners. YOU open the eyes of the blind. YOU heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. YOU relieve the fatherless and the widows. YOU lift up the humble, but cast down the wicked.

Restore a JOY and a PEACE that only YOUR SPIRIT can give, to us, to our LHCF sisters, and to our loved ones; one that SURPASSES all our understanding, and goes beyond what we could ever hope or ask for.

FATHER, we thank-you for sound minds, for peace in our spirits and in our hearts, for healing our hurts. Help us to understand that we need to have a relationship with YOU, LORD. That YOUR desire is not to see our deaths, but that we have a closer walk with YOU every day, not just when we’re in trouble.

LORD, let us remember that in all things and for all things, we need to seek YOUR will.

FATHER, GOD, we thank-you that at the sound of your name, situations and circumstances have to change, strong-holds are torn down, yolks are broken.

We praise YOU, OH LORD, for being our strong tower, for being mighty in battle! FATHER, with YOU for us, who can be against us? Hallelujah!

LORD,GOD, we thank-you for all that YOU’RE doing, for all YOU’RE going to do in the lives of our LHCF sisters, the lives of our loved ones, and our own lives. We thank-you for the MIRACLES that will come forth because we’ve asked it in your name, and believe we receive them.

Let those who have turned away from YOU be brought back, and let those who have never known YOU, come to discover the AWESOME, MIGHTY, POWERFUL, MERCIFUL GOD THAT YOU ARE!

FATHER, we ask that our sisters who pray this prayer and all the other prayers and Psalms to be posted on this thread, believing YOU for their deliverance, be healed and delivered indeed. LORD, cause it to be that even those who don’t ever open this prayer thread, experience breakthroughs anyway, simply because this prayer and those to follow are posted on the forum.

LORD, let YOUR BLESSINGS and HEALING POWER spill out from this thread and onto the forum, and let it be done by YOUR HAND OF GLORY, FOR YOUR HONOR ONLY!

We promise to give YOU ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE, for YOU ALONE ARE WORTHY!

AMEN!


(Sorry that this post is a bit long)  You may wish to disregard it ~ but if not, I hope it helps.....


Deborah

Thu, 2013-01-24 13:07 — Alexis (not verified)

Oh Robin, I can feel your pain, despair and hopelessness.

I am a suicide survivor (I didn't make an 'attempt' I was serious, but was saved) I hope that it was the only time this will ever happen.

January 31st, 2009. I have now made it almost 4 years. I have the support of my psychiatrist, his nurse, and my therapist.

After what happened in your town, I am not surprised that it precipitated a depressive episode. Do you have professional support?

I hope you know you are a shining beacon to all of us that read your blog and FB posts. The work that you are doing is so important and the program you started for your neighbors to help those in need was a wonderful idea.

I want you to know that I am here, if you ever want to take me up on my offer. I stand ready to talk to you anytime. I am going to FB message you my phone number.

I am an introvert, as many depressive people are, and I know how hard it can be to ask for help. If this describes you, call anyway.

Go get Dood, and hold him as long as he will let you.

It is so cliche' - But do take it one day at a time, or even break it down to smaller intervals, take it one hour at a time, etc

Love and Light.

Alexis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thu, 2013-01-24 14:22 — Maria Romano (not verified)

Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts about depression.  I too suffer from depression and have been on antidepressants since 1987.  My father suffered from depression and had electroshock therapy in the 1950's and unfortunately died of a brain anerysim when I was ten, so I didn't get to know him that well.  His mother (my grandmother) committed suicide when he was young because they didn't have sufficient ways to treat severe depression in the 1920s.  I still have my good and bad days with depression.  I love animals like you do and they help me deal with life on many levels with their unconditional love. 

I too get limited support from my family.  My sister is a lot like your George.  Some days she's really supportive and other days she's envious and jealous of me.  I have three brothers whom I only see or speak to occasionally even though I reached out to them numerous times.  I used to travel a lot to Europe when I was younger (and I would love to go back to Italy).  Don't give up that dream of someday seeing Italy.  It will still be there when you are ready to go.  As for finances, take it one day at a time.  Just be sure that the basics are covered - housing, food, etc.  From your blogs, I can see that you are a highly intelligent, gifted writer - and in the future I see you writing books also.  I truly get a lot out of your blogs and I wish you only the best that life has to offer.

Maria

Thu, 2013-01-24 17:07 — mael strom (not verified)

 

Hi Robiin,

Just read your post. Boy, it hits uncomfortably close to home.  It will get better.  At least that's what I tell myself.  Often, several times a day.  Everyday.  We also are dodging bill bombs.  And dealing with all the ramifications of losing a fairly good job with benefits and unemployment payments  having ended.  We have 2 dogs and 4 cats.  It was 5 cats.  Till Friday 2 weeks ago.  Inky is another victim of our circumstances.  We never dreamed that the promise, the pledge we made to all of our furfamily members could go so horribly wrong.  Inky died 2 hours after being refused treatment at our regular vet.  We had as yet to pay off a $400 bill incurred when Missy; a min poodle, passed away at 16. She belonged to Bill's Mom who passed away 2 years ago.  We kept Missy. We've been paying that $400 as best as we can.  It was about 70% paid when we took Inky in that last day. We doubt the vet even knew we were there.  We were going to use our power bill money...well you know what I mean.  Power-shmower, who needs power. (sad smile)  These were people we'd known since 1983. Considered them friends.  In the end, it didn't matter.   We franticly called, begged and pleaded with everyone we knew to find an alternative.  One of our friends in another town made arraignments with her vet to see us at 7am the next day.  ER clinics we talked to would not see us without major upfront money.  That was our first stop after being refused by the only vet hospital Inky had ever known.  Bill and I took tearful turns holding her in our arms as she slipped away from us.  We failed her.  Doesn’t matter why or how.  We may never know what took her.  Her symptoms indicated it may have been the food.  But even if it was, she trusted her life to us and we let her down. And now one of our dogs who has an ongoing chronic allergy/skin problem is in trouble and we have no idea what to do.  There are days that the fur kids are the only reason to try another day.  A cold nose and a wagging tail prompt me to keep moving when all I want to do is disappear. Billy Blue kitty stands vigil on Bill's chest when he's too sad for words.  You are not alone Robin.

(((((((( HUG )))))))

Marie 

Thu, 2013-01-24 19:26 — jmuhj (not verified)

As someone else who has lost their parents, and who has lost relatives and loved ones to suicide, I empathize so deeply with you on these subjects, Robin; I also greatly appreciate, respect, and thank Mr. Rosen not only for his heroism and kindness to those children, but for his caring for CATS.  

So many people are experiencing uncertainty, stress, and concern over financial matters in these dark times; I, too, have this as a worry, but one thing I do sometimes -- in fact, I just did it an hour ago -- is to actually add up my expenditures for the past year, which proves to me that I can and do live very frugally.  That helps me to feel better somehow.  I'm not great at being competitive or ambitious, as those are negative values in my background.  

I do hope that better days are coming for you, in that and other areas.  We truly never know what the future may bring.  You are an extremely talented writer and photographer.  Trust your instincts and don't ever sell yourself short.  

Fri, 2013-01-25 10:47 — Vanessa (not verified)

First of all, the baby picture is adorable – which brings me to how you are seeing yourself now through the veil of depression versus how many of us readers “see” you – not only beautiful on the outside but radiating beauty from within.  Although it may not seem like it now … you have so positively influenced many people whether it be through your blog, rescue work or Kitten Associates.  Sending positive thoughts & prayers that you keep on digging.

Fri, 2013-01-25 14:35 — MizzBassie (not verified)

Robin, my heart hurts for you having such a bad time. Mommy understands what you are going through. Please hang in there. We love what you are doing with the cats and your blog. Mommy's there for you any time you need, you can reach her through my blog. Sending you lots of Comforting purrrrrrrrrrrrrrs.

Sat, 2013-01-26 07:26 — Catnonymouse (not verified)

Robin, just last night I was contemplating to email you. I was in the mall watching two movies back to back not because I don't have anything to do, but because I can't face it anymore. When will this end. I am so tired, so many cats to look after and I have nobody at all but myself. And like you for the past one week I have not been doing much. 

I think we would experience burnt out especially if we have been involved in rescue work for so many years. What if I don't feed the cats, what if I give up? I know I simply can't as much as I want to. I am tired. I'm tired my life is not mine to own. I'm tired I have so many lives in my hand I am so tired. 

I'm glad you managed to find a smile throughout it all, and I find that it's in adversity that we find strength to renew ourselves. A positive mind work wonders, despite the dire circumstances of what had or is happening. Keep reminding ourselves that and strength and hope will come. 

I hope you can see a doctor if you feel your situation is out of control. Take care and big hugs. Can I mail you Chinese new year card and some decorations for cheer? They are for good luck too. Oh and also a packet of jasmine tea? 

 

Sat, 2013-01-26 10:28 — Lori Morin

I'm so sorry Robin - The truthers have me so upset, I can't imagine anyone being so blatantly cruel.  I've reported some of them on Youtube but receive emails back stating that they're doing nothing wrong.  I can't make sense out of any of it either, can't imagine being close as you are to this horrific tragedy.  We are all with you, hug those furry babies, they are the best therapist there are!

Sat, 2013-01-26 13:09 — Anne in FL (not verified)

Robin,

Something to remember when days seem dark. Everything cycles. Everything. Spring turns to summer, to fall, to winter and to spring again. The tide comes in then goes out. The moon slowly fills a little each night till full then slowly turns to a sliver and is gone for a night. Good things happen, then ok things then maybe some not good things. But like the moon and the tides and seasons, and even women (we cycle every month do we not???) things will turn for you.  I am so sorry that your low tide was a really low tide.   You have many people out here praying for you. People like me you dont know and people you do know too. I am saying prayers for both you and Sam. And the kitties, and the 2 little families of 6 & 7 kittens you found a way to help.   Helping those little families was a step up into the return of the bright side of this.  It shows me that even when you think it is dark dark you found a way to shine a ray of light into someone elses life.  I saw a quote once that said something like...a candle looses nothing by sharing it's flame, but the world is brighter for it.  You shared from the dark place you were, now the world is brighter.  Another cliche: you may not have changed the world, but you sure helped change the world for the better for those little furry babies and their mom.

You inspire goodness. You are a beautiful example of how one person, with or without a ton of resources, can make a difference in the way people think and the things they do.

Bless you. You and your honey and your kitties will swing back toward a good place, you are already on your way there.                   Breathe.         Watch the Dood, emmulate him, he is relaxation in motion (heehee)

Hugs and more hugs to you and yours.   From me and my little ones (human and feline)

Anne

Sat, 2013-02-02 21:17 — N (not verified)

I'm sorry that you're going through this. And I know in part about it. We have 18 furbaby mouths to feed--5 dogs. Sometimes, I'm terrified how we're going to make it of what will happen to them if something happens to us. We're young. We're one income. We want kids.

I fight depression everyday. I struggle with it, sometimes I can't even breathe. And some days I just want to lay down and not ever get him ever. But they love me and they need me. And they need you. So what if you dont' finish a book? If you dont' ever become "famous". So what?

You've changed their precious lives, showed them that us humans aren't all bad. You give them a good life and nothing is more rewarding, not riches or fame. They love you unconditionally and they know what you're doing for them.

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