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Celeste's Journey. Chapter 3. The Darkest Day.

(Cont. from chapter 1 and chapter 2)

I didn’t give up on #3, but I noticed an alarming new trend. While trying to feed him, he would fuss and fight, then after a very little bit of formula he would totally collapse. I was afraid that feeding him was killing him, but how could that be? I’m sure someone out there knows what I did wrong. He wasn’t swallowing much but I didn’t see anything come out of his nose. I cursed myself for not getting that bulb syringe. I had to make due with what I had. I tried to clear his nose, his mouth. I tried to tell him not to give up, choking back the words. He was so weak and frail. We backed off on how much to feed him and thought maybe just a few drops more often would work.

That afternoon I brought #3 to his mom. Something was wrong with her. I’d put a space heater on to keep everyone warm and she was panting. I turned off the heater and opened the windows. I offered her water. She was breathing VERY fast. She growled a bit. I called the vet and made an appointment. I was scared she’d retained a kitten or something else was going on. I imagined having to feed ALL the kittens if she died and thought I would lose my mind at that point. With my lack of confidence about bottle feeding they would likely die along with her.

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©2014 Robin A.F. Olson. Although it looks like he's nursing, #3 was resting his head on Celeste's abdomen.

The vet said it could be her being stressed out so I thought it was a good time for me to take a break. I was so stressed out myself that I was about to fall apart if I didn’t get some sleep.

It was 5pm. #3 had lived a day. I was exhausted. I told Sam I needed to rest-just for an hour or so. #3 was with Celeste. If he wasn’t going to make it I wanted him to be with his family. He’d already nearly died on me three times that day already.

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©2014 Robin A.F. Olson. So small compared to his siblings, #3 rests.

I didn’t sleep. I was too worried. I lay in bed going over in my mind about how much to feed him next, how to make it better for him. I got up at a bit after 6pm. I was woozy and scared. What I would see when I opened the door to the blue bathroom where Celeste was caring for her family? I tried to brace myself, hoping I'd see him finally nursing.

I called out to Celeste before I opened the door to let her know it was me. The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was she’d dumped out about half the litter pan across the room. She was rather messy but this was much worse that normal. I took a deep breath and looked down into the tub searching for the kitten. There was #3 snuggled up against the blanket near Celeste’s tail. At first he looked so peaceful, but then my stomach did a flip flop. As I sank to my knees, I knew it before I touched him. He was still; the kind of still that means all life is gone. I touched him. His body was hard.

#3 was dead.

Celeste’s panting and high respirations had resolved. I then realized that she had to know her kitten was going to die and that’s why she was so upset. I told her I was sorry as I lifted #3’s body and placed him away from her and the others, not sure what to do next…where to put him or what to put him into? I had to tell Sam but he was on the stupid phone with a stupid client. I wept hard, my chest heaving with raking sobs. #3 was as dear to me as any of my own cats. I paced around the house not sure what to do. I had to let everyone know what happened so I sat down and wrote emails and posts while trying to make sense of something so senseless.

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©2014 Robin A.F. Olson. .

I felt I had failed #3. He showed me a few signs that maybe he could make it. I probably didn’t keep something warm or cool enough. Maybe his head was too far back when I tried to feed him. Maybe it was Mother Nature reminding me I can’t fix everything by working hard. That she had other plans for #3. We can tell ourselves whatever we like as we search for a reason for this wretched unfairness, but in the end it doesn’t change the outcome.

Sam got off the phone and joined me upstairs. He was as devastated as I was. We sat with #3 and I said he needs a name. Sam suggested Tre since the kitten was #3, but I said I wanted something special. The name Fiorello popped into my head. In Italian it means, Little Flower. As I said the name, Sam nodded solemnly in agreement.

We both petted and kissed Fiorello goodbye. He laid on his side, his front legs pressed together as in prayer. His fur was so soft. I marveled as his sweet face. I carefully placed him in the pink blanket that featured happy green frogs on it. I’d used it to cover him when he was under my shirt. The vet was closed so I brought him to the room where we do our mediation and placed him in front of our Shambhala shrine. I lit a candle for him then closed the door behind me. I’d bring him to the vet in the morning to be cremated, garnering me another little tin box for my sad collection. For now I needed to sob, to rant, to hate, to mourn.

I never want to take on a pregnant cat again. I know there are things everyone is good at and things they are not so great at. Maybe this is a “thing” I am not good at and it would be safer for everyone if I didn’t take on more situations like this one.

I gave myself a few hours to attend to other matters. I was too upset to sleep, but I realized I hadn’t eaten in two days so Sam and I got take out. It was a good meal. We've been eating too much rice pasta for too long so we splurged. It helped revive me somewhat, but my heart was broken.

Celeste and Fiorello R Olson.jpg
©2014 Robin A.F. Olson. Fiorello and mama.

What surprised me was what I did next. I could have gone to bed, but it occurred to me that I hadn’t paid our Georgia Peaches kittens or Bert a visit since this all happened. They’d been fed, of course, but had no interaction with me since Sam had taken that on.

I entered the room and they raced over to the bed, next to where I was standing. They were all meowing furiously at me. Maybe they wondered where I'd been. I sat down and they rubbed up on me, then excitedly ran around the room, energized by my appearance. Bert stood on my belly and rubbed his face onto my cheek. I felt joy seeing them and some relief. They had long since grown past a fragile age and were now healthy, vigorous and happy. In that moment, I realized the same thing that broke my heart would also help heal it.

Cats. Cats would break me and in the next moment, the love for and from cats would be my salvation.

Although my starfish necklace remains where I left it, I know one day I'll be ready to wear it again and along with it the mantle of resilience and determination all rescuers require to continue saving more lives.

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Comments

Although I empathize 100%, I know and I hope you know that Fiorello probably was not destined to "make it" here from the start, but he had LOVE and GOOD CARE and his family with him from start to finish.  THAT is what matters most, isn't it?  We lost a precious baby girl at just over 2 months.  She had seemed healthy when I adopted her from friends who found her on the street alone; the vet had examined her and she'd had her first series of innoculations; but the night before she was go to back in for her second set, she passed.  I believe she contracted FIP from the vaccine; the only reason I ever had this was because we had lost our precious Sunny to FIP, and I never wanted to place any cat at risk, so opted for the "protection" of the vac, which I will never do again.  The onset of her illness was so fast my head spun, and then she was gone.  So, while not a neonate, this very young kitten was gone way too soon, and so I do empathize.  You will always hold Fiorello in your heart, along with Fred; and they watch over you all until you are all reunited in due time.  *RIP little Fiorello* 

So sorry to hear you lost one if your little bit kittens didn't make it.  It is so hard to watch as they don't thrive and pass away.  Please know that there was nothing you could have done.  Sometimes despite our best efforts one or more babies doesn't make it.  Take heart and focus on the sweet mama and babies that are still with you.  They are lucky you love them and can provide all the support they need. Hopefully mama will start feeling better soon.  She is still nursing and that is the best thing for the babies as you well know.  In just a few weeks they will be toddling and the playing.  That is the sweetest sight and one of the best parts of rescue.  Thank you for all you do.  

My Dearest Robin ~

I'm not sur ei fyou believe in God but as babies both fur and human cross God gather's them to himself and welcomes them home to heaven.  #3 did pass but I do not believe it was anything you had done or hadn't done, it was just his time.  You gave him so much love, more then a lot of people would.  I hope you find answers from the vet but you will always remember little flower just as he was.  Fighting to stay in this life when God needed im at the Rainbow Bridge for one reason or another. 

I am a very firm believer that when animals die their souls go to heaven just like human souls.  I am also a firm believer that God uses those animal souls as cherubs to do his work on earth.  Do not be surprised if #3 comes to you from time to time just to check on you although you may not see the little one he will be there, watching over you just as God does.

Losing a child at such a young age, no matter if human or fur, is never ever easy.  I myself have lost 8 and some of those have been born still born and never have seen the light of day on earth.  I have also lost many furchildren due to various things.  Some to old age; some to a terrible weakness that it sounds like little flower  had; some yes to being poisoned by others because they were strays.  I mourn each and every one of them almost on a daily basis but there is no way I could stop loving any of them.  Even my husband who says he is a big softy loves to feed, water and tend to the stray and feral colony we have here. 

You see we have no children to call our own here on earth so God gave us a task to take care of his.  Our own cat Shadow-Jack rescued us when it seemed our darkest hour.  I had just lost my 8th human child when I started praying for God to bring me a cat just like in every way that Shadow-Jack is.  He is our miracle baby.

I long to some day do the work you do in helping the mothers with their babies but I  have to be unselfish enough to let the babies go to new homes when they are ready and well, I'm not there yet.

I have learned a lot from you.  From reading your posts. From reading between the lines.  Just remember you are a true Momma if you feel the way you do.  But also as a true Momma you have to say good bye to little flower for a short time then welcome him once more home with open arms.  Do not give up what you do for it is indeed very important work. 

Thank you once more for all you do!
Naomi Blackwell

I'm so sorry Robin to read about little Fiorello. Sometimes nothing you do can save the life of the weakest kitten but it was a heartbreaking experience - I'm so sad for you. I hope the other kittens do well and seeing them thrive will lift your spirits. 

Bless you and Sam for all the kindness you have in your hearts.

Barbara UK

I'm not a vet, but from the sounds of it, there may have been nothing you could have done beyond what you did do. Sometimes kittens aren't constructed right. They can't eat, or can't digest, because they didn't form right in the womb. Momcats know when kittens aren't "right", and they ignore them to care for the ones who will survive. It's devastating for us to consider, but nature knows what it's doing.

Even if the vet had seen Fiorello, there may have been nothing the vet could do, either. I am heartbroken for you and for Fiorello, but know that you did everything you could, and you have given Celeste and her remaining babies a better shot at life than they had before. You also gave  Fiorello a lifetime of love in his short few hours, and that is what matters most.

I'm not a vet, but from the sounds of it, there may have been nothing you could have done beyond what you did do. Sometimes kittens aren't constructed right. They can't eat, or can't digest, because they didn't form right in the womb. Momcats know when kittens aren't "right", and they ignore them to care for the ones who will survive. It's devastating for us to consider, but nature knows what it's doing.

Even if the vet had seen Fiorello, there may have been nothing the vet could do, either. I am heartbroken for you and for Fiorello, but know that you did everything you could, and you have given Celeste and her remaining babies a better shot at life than they had before. You also gave  Fiorello a lifetime of love in his short few hours, and that is what matters most.

Cats are induced ovulators. It is highly likely that little Fiorello was conceived after the other kittens and thus was a preemie with less developed organ systems. May Fiorello be forever blessed.

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