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Confessions of a Cat Rescuer

The kittens arrived a few hours ago. They're all orangey-buff tabbies. I can barely tell them apart. I got them settled and took a few photos which I'll upload in a bit. I'm distracted. Kittens, yes, great. I hear thudding coming from the foster room above me, but my thoughts are elsewhere.

Three years ago today, my Mother died. Three years ago tomorrow, I found her body. Not a fun confession, but compared to all the others regarding my Mother's life, it not as bad. Like everyone else, my relationship with my Mother was complex. Often it was difficult, but with time softening my memories and the fact that I finally know the truth about some things; I'm to a place where I'm starting to just miss her.

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Circa 2001. Mother at The Last Post in Falls Village, CT

My Mother introduced me to cats. When she was about to give birth to my brother, I was sent to stay with some friends of hers who lived on a farm. In my Mother's journal from those days she writes; "Robin thrives with Mary Ann, cats, horses, dogs etc. Her suggestion for naming the baby: Candy. Shows how her mind works. Like Mama, like daughter."

She also got me my first kitten when I was just four years old. Her name was Sarafina (my little Angel) -a pure white kitten with blue eyes. Sadly, we moved not long after we adopted Sarafina and we were separated during the move. My Mother told me that she was staying at a Vet's in Ohio until we were unpacked. I kept asking about the kitten. Then one day, my Mother told me she got sick and had died! She never even had a chance to grow up. I never knew if that was the truth or not. It was not out of the question for my Mother to lie. Of course, I was devastated.

While I'm in a confessing mood, I can add that the biggest point of contention between us wasn't about my relationships or my career path or my weight; it was about cats. As far back as when I was in my teens, I remember my Mother being against taking the cats to the Vet. She thought it was cruel to make them suffer! When my brother's cat got sick, I took him to the Vet and cared for him. He was very very ill but I never gave up. Eventually Yukio, our big lug of a cat, got better for a few more years before he passed away at just nine years old.

As an adult, our conflicts grew worse. It started out to be charming that my Mother felt she needed to feed every creature that came to her door. She put food out for birds, squirrels, raccoons and any cat who came by. At any given time there were scraps of food or seeds on the deck. Once in awhile I'd see a friendly stray or neighbor's cat munching away a bowl of dry food.

We gave many of these cats nicknames. One was called, OJ. He was a big orange tom. He was always covered in scratches from fighting. He was intact, I'm sure. One day he disappeared and never came back. My Mother was very upset for a long time. She could have taken the cat in, but she felt he deserved his "freedom" whatever the cost.

She continued with this attitude, which I didn't pay much attention to, until she began to feed a new big orange tom cat she named; Bob Dole. Bob got his name from his injuries. He showed up at her door with a serious leg wound. I nagged at her to get him to the Vet. For once she agreed to get me off her back. Bob got the treatment he needed, but that was it. Bob was not neutered. Again, a conflict. My Mother didn't want to take anything away from Bob that would effect his FREEDOM. She was SO BIG on that term. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Bob and everything to do with her. She felt trapped in her life with my Father and probably with her kids, too. Knowing Bob was out there populating the neighborhood was fine with her. He could do as he pleased even if she could not.

I had to tread carefully and pick my battles. It was "too expensive" to get Bob fixed, so I worked out a trade with my Vet. He would do it for free if I trained his wife on how to use the computer. Great! She couldn't argue with me now, even though I knew she was pissed when I figured away around her argument. I got Bob neutered, all his shots, then Dr. Larry said his teeth looked really bad. I knew this was not going to go over with my Mother.

As best I could, I brought up the topic of Bob's teeth with my Mother and she said NO WAY. Too much money. Not going to make the cat suffer-though apparently it was FINE to make him suffer with a painful mouth.

We also had a big fight over another stray, a small gray cat. One day my Mom says the cat's EYE is hanging out of her head. Too bad. "I guess nature will take its' course."

That's it? No taking the cat to the Vet? I bullied my Mother until she promised to let me know when I might be able to get my hands on the cat. The next day she called me and I drove over to get the kitty. If you look back a few posts, you'll see a photo of that kitty-her name was Sasha and she not only needed her eye removed, she was SO FULL of parasites that after she got treated, she was pooping worms like they had never seen before!

The worst was how she treated her own cat, Blue; a chocolate point siamese. Blue got a urinary blockage and my mother let him suffer and die. When I found out, I was so angry I didn't speak to her for many months. In my heart, I could never forgive what she did. I could never understand WHY someone who literally had the IQ of a GENIUS, could not get her mind around the fact that she was responsible for this life and feeding it and cleaning the litter pan wasn't enough. She had the money to help the cat. That wasn't even an issue.

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A rare photo of Me with Mum. 2001.

So this is my private, now public shame. My own Mother, who I did my best to love; who I'm not sure how she felt about me, could have easily been arrested for cruelty to animals. I feel like I have to make up for the suffering she caused and you can bet that every time I look at Bob and see his shiny coat and hear his deep purr, I feel like, at least I could save him. I couldn't save my Mother from her private Hell and I can assure you, it WAS HELL for her in this life, but I can do this one thing. Maybe in some twisted way, I'm doing for my Mother, what she could not find the courage to do for herself-get involved with the suffering of another being and be willing to face the consequences of that, whatever it costs.

I'm left feeling confused and sad, ashamed and distraught. I can't change the past. I can only do what's best for the animals in my life now, and every day from now on, and hope that it's enough.

Comments

Robin-
I think you are so brave for writing this and it was really helpful for me to read it.
My Mother is also a VERY complicated and confusing person with unlimited contradictions
and dysfunctions. I haven't spoken to her in 6 years and I am so much less stressed out, but
it is painful and embarrassing to tell others I don't have a relationship with my Mom. I really
have almost no other family so it was a very difficult decision to not have her in my life
but I know it is for the best. The one thing all of us in my family do have is love of animals.
My brother who is wonderful guy is a Vet Surgeon in New Jersey. But my Mom also didn't take
such great care of our animals sometimes. I still have nightmares about our English sheep dog
"Nana" who was always had matted fur and way too many fleas. We had more than one cat die
from flea infestation...but my Mom could never turn away a stray. But the care wasn't as good
as is should have been. And that is how my Mom was. Kind and well meaning but in the end not
very responsible for her pets or her kids!
So, thanks for writing this. You are not alone and you DO GREAT WORK and your love, kindness
are generosity to the KITTEHS is an inspriation.

All the best!
Michelle

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate your kind words and your touching account of your relationship with your Mom. I'm so sorry you don't feel like it's healthy for you to be in touch with her because knowing what it's like to have Mom gone...well you can't get that back. There are no second chances after someone has passed.

I believe that the attitudes are changing about animal wellness issues and that more and more people truly consider their pets part of the family and as such, require the same health care and concern as the human members.

Back in the day, the attitudes were different. That said, there is a point at which, you gotta look at your pets and realize they're suffering and you need to do something about that.

A big hug to you!!!
:-)

Robin,
Thanks for sharing this story with us. It was really meaningful. I think what you do with animals is absolutely amazing. I wonder if there's a way to help at my age (I'm still in college right now). Do you have any advice about what the best way to help animals is? Should I give money to the humane society, or to a foster program?

I love your blog. It's really great.

Thanks so much,
Steph

Hi Steph,

There's so much you can do and it doesn't necessarily mean you need to donate money-especially when you're just starting out and money may be an issue. Firstly, start small and build on that so you don't get overwhelmed--then end up giving up! I don't know where you live, but I'd start off by doing some research on the local mom & pop rescue groups. Those are the ones where you have the most impact on making things better. You see where any money you donated goes and you get the satisfaction of knowing you're part of a team, not just a faceless donor who puts a check in the mail once a year.

Be careful though. Some of the small groups aren't run very wisely-they all have great intentions, but how they are run can positively or negatively effect not only you, but the group and all the foster animals. It took me many years to find the group that was the right fit for me-run by smart women who have a lot of experience and who, though we butt heads, we work it out and we're working well. Be willing to move on to another group if one doesn't work out. These small groups need so much help; you can offer to hang flyers in the area or socialize kittens, even if you can't foster them yet. You can vol. to do an adoption event-whatever works for your schedule-trust me, these people will be grateful for whatever help you can offer.

Good luck and let me know what you decide to do and how it's working or not working for you! I always have more ideas! LOL!

:-)
Robin

My mom died 5 years ago; as the anniversary approaches i find myself thinking of her more and more. she loved cats more than most people could understand; fortunately she did give them proper care but did not give herself the same attention. she finally died of a long battle with alcoholism and depression.

big hugs to you. a complicated relationship with your mom makes it even harder to handle her death, as far as i can tell. not only do you have to deal with her passing, but come to terms with your whole confusing history with her as well. this probably takes a lifetime.

i wish you luck. take care of yourself.

I know the feeling. My mother also has that weird relationship with the cats. As an armchair psychologist, I think that people like our mothers are just so afraid to let the animal get truly close because they either can't let their guard down to trust the animal and fear an emotional bond, or in my mother's case, just don't have the genuine emotion to give. It's exhausting, but I try to drown out her negativity (e.g. complaining about Alice because Alice doesn't want her to pet her, and complaining about Jack because he does. Huh?) and remember the reasons I foster and the reasons I care for my own cats the way I do.

And you're right about not changing the past. There was nothing you could do to change your mother's way of thinking because that was just too scary for her and she wouldn't allow it. So you changed the lives you could, and continue to do so. Remember when Tweetie seemed like a lost cause? Remember when Zabby's clock was ticking? Remember when you got Ernie's litter in and wondered how and when you'd get them adopted out? Remember the starfish?

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