Breaking News: A “Game-Changer” for Cat Guardians!

What does the Periodic Table of Elements have to do with cats? Breaking news out of CERNs research facility near the Franco-Swiss border in Geneva, Switzerland indicates the discovery of a new element that's being called a “game changer” by cat guardians and cat behaviorists across the globe.

After decades of much heated debate, the International Union of Pure & Applied Chemisty assigned a new Element. Like it’s 118 predecessors, number 119 is a pure chemical substance consisting of one type of atom distinguished by its atomic number, which is the number of protons in its nucleus. Element 119 bears the name, Urinium.

It's believed that Urinium was first discovered in 1855 by Dr. Joseph King after his tabby cat, Mossander soaked samples he was using in his research to find a new element. What he was close to discovering was Cesium, which eventually documented by noted scientists, Robert Wilhelm Bunsen (later of Bunsen Burner fame) and Gustav Robert Kirchoff.

The scientific community scoffed and chided Dr. King when he declared that bombarding ammonia gas from cat urine, resulted in the discovery of a pure atom and that atom, alone was the cause of the offensive odor after cat urine was sprayed on household items and the like. Because technology couldn’t confirm his findings, it wasn’t until 2010 when Dr. Mike Hunt, a scientist at CERN decided it was worth a second look.

Sure enough, Dr. King was correct in his findings, but sadly never lived to see the day his discovery would be verified. What this meant for the world is simple. A metering device could be created to measure the density of particulate (P particles), in the same way a Geiger Counter measures radioactivity. Because it works on an atomic level, cat guardians will never have to worry about being bothered by “Phantom Cat Pee” smells ever again.

They’ll aim, scan, locate and remove every cat urine stain in their home with the flick of a wrist and the push of a button. Engage the device, holding it near your cat’s urethra, so it can “sniff” the particulates that emit from the opening. Next it will create a unique algorithm to “track” the “fingerprint odor” wherever it occurs in your home.

The device, in the works right now, is similar to scanners you’ve seen on an episode of Star Trek; like the one where Captain Kirk scans for bio-signs on Sigma Draconis when he’s searching for Spock’s brain (because it was stolen, duh!) except it’s not quite as thrilling when you lock onto a target and only find cat pee.

I was able to get an EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK at a working prototype. It’s so sensitive you’ll have to remove all the litter pans AND cats from your home and place them into a sealed charcoal lined containment device while you’re scanning the premises so the device doesn’t get “confused.”

Using the searing power of lasers-

the new device, codenamed: Whizzard™, will include this technology as a way to literally “zap” urine smell from the home!

Though it may spark small fires or melt certain objects, I think you’ll all agree, that anything is better than a soiled home that smells like cat urine.

NOTE: The Whizzard is so accurate that once the truth is revealed about the severity of urine all over your furnishings, you may feel you need to move out of your home, but that’s ok. Whizzard’s got you covered. For an extra fee (details are being worked out, now), a Clinical “Psychologist,” named Dr. Larry will come to your home and let you unload all your frustrations on him, while he nods, smiling sweetly, then shakes his head to confirm that he is, indeed, listening to you, cares and wants to help. Larry may carry with him a pocketful of Xanax, but I can neither confirm nor deny that.