Filler Up with Unleaded

WTF!?!

I might as well have a weekly appointment locked in with my Vet. If it's not Gracie needing more tests or meds, it's one of the other cats. This time it was Nora. Two nights ago Sam found a growth on Nora's chest. Being a Vet-wanna-be, I took at look at it. It looked like one of those don't-worry-about-it sort of growths, but since Nora's almost nine and she was overdue for a butt shave (more on that, later) AND Gracie was due to start her Allergy Vaccine therapy...what the heck. In for a dime, in for a dollar-let's go to the Vet AGAIN. It's only been FIVE days since I was last there.

First of all, Nora HATES being in the car. So for the entire drive there she meowed every second or so. Some of the meows sounded downright ANGRY. Then I heard the telltale warning sound-the sound of furious scratching of the newspapers that lined the bottom of her DOG-sized crate. Then, silence. You know what that means.

I waited a few seconds to begin breathing poop particles, but none came, at least none from Nora. For once she didn't crap in the carrier, but there was something not RIGHT with me. I was FARTING like a bubbling brook (or farting brook)!

"What the HECK did I eat last night?" I said to Sam, as he wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Musta been the garlic in the spaghetti sauce."

"Yeah, but YOU ate the SAME thing. Where are your farts?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's my pure heart and natural lifestyle?"

To which I replied by farting again.

What was deeply troubling (yeah right, it just made me giggle like a crazy person), was that the farting did not seem to be any closer to ending (pardon the pun). Once we reached Maple Ridge and said hello to Amber, we were left to our own devices while Dr. Larry and gang were in the back helping someone else.

I figured it was as good a time as any to sneak out a few more farts. What the HELL was the matter with me? My body was rotting from the inside out, not to mention, though I am mentioning that there was NO WAY TO SNEAK these farts out. They were LOUD and they were PROUD!

Then I started to realize that if I could hear everyone talking in the back, they could HEAR what I was doing out of MY BACK END. Oh man. I thought maybe I was done. Amber, one of the super-techs, came to tell us we could enter the exam room. When I stood up, another fart loaded into the chamber. I was doomed. I was going to rip a big one in front of a virtual stranger. I managed to hold it until Amber left the room, but no sooner than the door had shut, I lost another "round" right at Sam.

Then I started to laugh.

Then the farts would keep squeaking out with every laugh-like a farting machine gun.

The room we were in had a sweet ECHO. While Sam was trying to sit quietly and roll his eyes from the noxious gas, I kept on giggling. Every so often someone would come into the exam room to do something to one of the cats and every time they left, sure enough-bllllllaaaaaaaaap!!!

I find it very unlikely that no one knew what was going on. I'm sure they were being polite or just laughing their asses off in the other room. After we were done at the Vet's, it seemed my putrid chamber was finally empty. Good thing, too, I'm tired of writing and I just realized I didn't even get to the part about Nora's giant Anal Gland!!!

Oh well! Next time!